I miss the days of being able to get up and leave when it was time to leave, of being able to reinvent myself or any part of myself that needed changing. My heart will always be that of a 20-something of the 90s, as that is what I was. In those days, I came and went from people, places, and things like the Chicago wind, always looking for the thing that would take me to the next part of my future. I had faith that something better was out there, better than my bland suburban town and my dateless and stupid post-college life in it. My life was fluid, adaptable, and I was mostly fearless and strong. If I were now the man I was then, I would be in my van heading West into an unknown future in Denver or Seattle with the faith that the adventure would amount to something that might just get me to the place I was supposed to be in, and it would all work out somehow.
Of course, that sort of thing works best when you actually ARE in your twenties and not yet broken down, busted, up, or any of that other stuff that comes with age. I don't care much about living a life of luxury, but my days of sleeping in vans and on floors are pretty much over. My disabled condition has made winter weather a big risk to my orthopedic situation, so plowing through any and all weather in the name of rock and roll is pretty much out, as well. I certainly can't consume booze, substances, and adult party favors like before, so that's lame, but I do have prescription medicine I need to take, and that's kinda the same, right? Not. Lol I'm guilty of new city dreams about blowing into someplace cool, hitting the jams, and building something new with the ol' six string party machine. Is that even possible anymore? Not sure the world needs another aging guitar player.
I still want to reinvent, to find myself, to come of age. I don't feel done or settled down or any of the stuff I'd expected to feel by now. In fact, I feel like I have done enough settling these last few years and that I'd better get a wiggle on if I want to have a shot at another run of something good in my life. But I am not who I once was. My body and mind are not strong like they were. I need help and I worry about many things. I don't plow through much of anything anymore, in any season. All this doesn't mean that life is unchangeable but it does mean that change happens at a slow to medium pace, not the instant shifts of direction that came upon me like sudden storms in years past. Everything is a called shot now, not a Hail Mary.