10 Songs I Will Never Play Again!!
By Mike O’Cull
We all play the songs of others at one time or another. All of us begin our journey on the guitar by emulating the music that inspires us to pick the instrument up in the first place. This is an important step in the development of every growing guitarist, as it’s how we get our first bit of musical vocabulary under our fingers and out of our amps. This is all well and good. However, some of us spend a lot of time in our musical lives playing cover songs in bars, clubs, and other venues for the enjoyment of the paying and mostly non-musical masses of people who inhabit these spaces. If you do a lot of this sort of thing, you will end up playing certain songs over and over and, if you are like me, wondering why you just can’t escape them and why the patrons of Uncle Bubba’s Seaside Lounge don’t want to hear your latest prog-rock masterpiece. If you do too much of this sort of thing, you may end up having involuntary mental spasms of terror and revulsion at having to play these tired-ass warhorses every time you plug in your rig. I have compiled a list of my top ten songs that need to be ripped out of my mind and replaced with…well, just about anything else. My list is very personal, of course; circles of Hell always are. What are the songs that make your shorts crawl up that people won’t stop asking you to play? Drop them in the comments section below to play along at home. Here goes nothing!
In no particular order:
1 - ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ - This was the first song I ever played with another guitar player outside of church when I was coming up. I learned it from one of the older kids in my neighborhood on my parents’ patio when I was in 8th grade. The sheer amount of times I have played this little gem from that day forward, in every half-assed bar band situation possible, makes me immediately queasy. Sometimes, the enthusiasm shown by denizens of rural Wisconsin drinking establishments for this song is almost terrifying. You’d think it was about Milwaukee.
2 - ‘Wagon Wheel’ - No. Just no. Don’t ask again.
3 - Anything by Tom Jones - I have held down the guitar spot on a few Tom Jones tribute shows in my time. File that info under ‘The Things We Do For Money.’ I think Jones is a great singer, but has just terrible material. It’s hard to pick a single offender, but ‘Delilah’ really pisses me off. Why, why, why, indeed.
4 - ‘Sweet Caroline’ - I have also held down the guitar spot on a few Neil Diamond tribute shows in the past, too, sadly. File in the same place described in #3. Some of Neil’s stuff is ok, but this one makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a pencil. One night, I had to play it six times. Yes, I did it; I’m a whore. Never again.
5 - ‘Can’t You See?’ - Not quite as bad as ‘Sweet Home Alabama,’ although it shares the same chord progression. This is a good song that has just simply been worn out and should never be played by anyone not personally involved with The Marshall Tucker Band ever again. Give it a rest.
6 - ‘Red Solo Cup’ - Because fuck you, that’s why.
7 - ‘I’m Your Puppet’ - Same as #6.
8 - ‘Margaritaville’ - That this worn out 70s staple is the only Jimmy Buffett song most people know is a crime. His 70s and 80s albums had some great songs on them that no one has ever heard because they are too busy drunkenly slurring their way through this one. Please, pick any Buffett song besides this one. How come no one ever asks for ‘Death Of An Unpopular Poet?’
9 - ‘Iron Man’ - I have been a guitar instructor most of my life. At some point in the afternoon, this one just starts. I can’t hear it without imagining an army of 12-year-old guitarists, all out of tune with themselves and each other, butchering it in unison. We all need to start somewhere, you say? Start somewhere else.
10 - ‘Smoke On The Water’ - Same thing as #9. Guitar teacher too long. Everyone knows the intro but nothing past that. Want to impress your guitar teacher? Learn the whole damn song. Try something different.
You may notice that I did not include ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ in this list, although it certainly fits the profile. Yes, it IS overdone and worn out, but the song has such a pleasant disposition and, more importantly, women adore it so much (and the female demographic is really the important one to touch so that there might possibly be more touching after the gig) that it is an indispensable part of the Bar Band Toolkit. Let’s not forget why we started playing guitar to begin with. Post the songs you will never play again in the comments and let’s hear why not. Let the bashing begin!!
