I want to find a place I can stay. I want to make my next last stand. I think I've learned all I can from my present environment and situation and now I must move on. I thought where I am now would be that stand, but it started to crumble almost from the time we got here. I tried to make the best of it, but it all turned into a difficult lesson.
The good part is that I'm getting better within myself. My self-loathing is down, I'm accepting the things I can't change a bit better, and I'm getting better at sitting with my more uncomfortable emotions, although I still can't do it unmedicated. I'm hopeful that this path of improvement will continue. Parts of my life are falling apart but I'm more internally peaceful than I've been in a long time.
What I can't seem to find is connection. I've thought I was connected to people and places before, but I was incorrect. As far as I can tell, I've been nothing but a convenience to most of those I thought were my friends. I thought I was valued, but I was just being allowed to hang out. Big difference. I thought this was my city, but, when I needed help the most, I learned it was a ghost town.
In light of all that, I'm still continuing my journey into the future. I will be fifty years old next week, so fuck it, right? I'd like to report that the journey is all smooth roads and fresh air, but I have to admit to days like today when everything seems confusing and futile.
Problem is, my mind still has this gear where it believes something good is still possible. Not totally sure if this is good or bad, but it's there and it's what picks me up each time I fall down. At this point, I'm not even sure what something good would look like to me now. I don't think I want the same things I used to pursue. I still want something, however, even if it's just to feel good about my days again, so I keep going. Truth is, I've no laurels to rest upon; I'm back to zero, so pursuit is important. I don't like feeling like a nothing.
If this were a movie, now would be the time when, after hitting bottom, I meet that plucky younger woman who inspires me to get it together and write a hit song, it wins a Grammy, and we all ride away happy. I know life doesn't work like the movies, but I still feel I have something to contribute to this party. It very well may not be as a musician, but it will be something.
These are all milestone birthday thoughts, and I accept that fact. Truth is, I am different than I was half my life ago. I've gained the perspective of experience in many areas and I've learned there is more to me than I ever really knew existed. I see where I've been weak, but I know now where I can be strong. I'd feel a lot worse if I'd not changed at all over those years and events. That would have rendered them all meaningless.
I plan to make the coming years just as wild and tumultuous as the past decades have been, but in a bigger and better way. I want to have better fun and find a better place, one I can feel part of. Lots of challenges lie between there and here, but hills can always be climbed. Full speed ahead.